my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
