Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
