happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
