They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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