he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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