you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
