So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
