If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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