True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
