life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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