He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
