Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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