she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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