Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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