Kiss
Puke
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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