I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
