So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
my poor anus
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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