some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
