they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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