my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
