When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
