I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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