final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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