I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize