Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
