I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
We're like a lot better than the average bears
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
