awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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