I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just invented taco cereal.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
