i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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