I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
