I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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