I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
