look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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