well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
