I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
