You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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