Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
