when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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