Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
