Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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