Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We left the knife in your bed.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
