I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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