Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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