Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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