apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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