1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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