i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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