I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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