so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
