I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
