What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
