do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
